


until we break through

by mellofricker



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sickfic, a.k.a writing anything that isn't humor shitposting/textfic or porn, it's sad y'all, so here's to expanding my horizons!!, this is also my first time writing a sickfic like ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 03:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14155608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellofricker/pseuds/mellofricker
Summary: everything sucks forever, but sometimes it doesn'ta fic about making bomb-ass soup and learning to love yourself





	until we break through

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sadisthetic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadisthetic/gifts).



> the title of this fic is absolutely NOT inspired from a nothing but thieves song, what are u talking about
> 
> also what better way to (sort of) return from hiatus than with a commissioned fic! shoutout to jem for having me step outside my comfort zone to write this amazing prompt, love u bro ✌️

Akira stirred groggily to the sound of his phone buzzing incessantly next to his pillow. It was his first free weekend day in a while, no work, no responsibilities, nothing to take up his time. He’d even asked Sojiro to give him the day off, to which the old barista had agreed surprisingly quickly. 

Today was the day he’d finally get to go on the movie date that he’d planned with Ryuji a week prior. Just him, his boyfriend, some sub-par action flick on the big screen and all the overly-buttered popcorn they could ever want... the perfect weekend.

At least, that’s what he’d initially thought.

Opening the text he’d just received, Akira discovered that unfortunately their weekend movie date would have to be put on hold for now. 

Sunday 9:25 am  
**Ryuji** ♡  >> _hey man im super sorry to spring this on u all of a sudden but im feelin real shitty_  
**Ryuji** ♡  >> _like. im just gonna be real w/ u im dying_  
**Ryuji** ♡  >> _we might have to reschedule to another weekend or somethin im rly sorry dude_

Well, he couldn’t say that he wasn’t disappointed about rescheduling... but then again Ryuji probably had to have felt completely awful to need to postpone this. Akira decided to do what any good boyfriend would do and ask if Ryuji was, y’know, actually alright.

<< _Before you die I just wanna ask if I’m in the will or not_

Well, at least that’s what he’d initially planned to do.

**Ryuji** ♡  >> _nah im leavin everythin to the ghost of my gerbil that died 6 years ago_

<< _Ah ok that’s understandable_  
<< _Okay but for real though, are you okay? Do you need me to bring you anything?_

**Ryuji** ♡  >> _nah ill be fine thx dude_  
**Ryuji** ♡  >> _we have like. instant ramen in the cupboard ill live_

<< _If you think that instant ramen is “fine” then I’ve gotta disagree_  
<< _You need actual real person food when you’re sick you know_

**Ryuji** ♡  >> _haha says you_  
**Ryuji** ♡  >> _i lived off of taiyaki for like a WEEK once_

<< _That’s not.. a good thing,_

**Ryuji** ♡  >> _o yeah_  
**Ryuji** ♡  >> _i mean i guess not but im still here aint i_

<< _… Alright that’s it I’m coming over_

**Ryuji** ♡  >> _NO dude im fine i swear_

<< _Too late, I’m gonna make you some bomb ass soup and there’s nothing you can do about it_

Closing his message app before he had a chance to read Ryuji’s inevitable objection, Akira lightly nudged Morgana off his feet and pulled himself out of bed. He decided that he didn’t want to waste any time, so he just threw his old sweatshirt over his pajama shirt and changed into a semi (probably?) clean pair of ripped jeans from under his bed. Morgana stirred at the sound of the frantic shift of clothing, gazing at Akira with puzzled eyes. 

“What’s the hurry? Isn’t today supposed to be your day off?” He mewled, flicking his tail with annoyance at being woken up earlier than anticipated.

“Yeah it still is,” Akira assured, “But Ryuji’s not feeling too well today and ended up canceling our movie date. I’m just gonna go check up on him to make sure he’s doing alright.”

Morgana huffed, adjusting himself and settling further into Akira’s rumpled sheets. “Figures that he’d get himself sick and ruin things,” he said. “You guys have been planning this for almost a month now, right?”

“He didn’t ruin anything!” Akira objected. “If anything I’m glad that he decided to let me know that he wanted to cancel instead of dragging himself along and feeling miserable.” 

Risking a glance back at the disgruntled tuxedo cat, Akira sighed exasperatedly. 

“Listen, I know that you still don’t know how to feel about the fact that we’re ‘together’ or whatever and that’s completely okay, I get it,” Akira said, tapping Morgana on the nose as he grabbed his bag and prepared to leave. “But It wouldn’t kill you to be nice, alright?”

His feline roommate just rolled his eyes. “... Okay, I can do that, I guess.”

\---

Climbing the familiar stairs to Ryuji’s apartment, Akira could hear the faint noise of the TV from inside. Knocking lightly on the door, he heard a muffled (and rather stuffy sounding) “It’s open!” before letting himself in.

Well, Ryuji sure looked dead at least. Maybe he wasn’t kidding about actually dying?

The deceased in question was curled on the old beaten-up couch in his living room, buried under layers of flannel blankets and countless used tissues. He was wearing his favorite oversized purple hoodie that he practically appeared to be swimming in while playing Animal Crossing New Leaf at full volume. 

… Then again he was usually doing that, so Akira figured that was at least one thing that didn’t seem too out of the ordinary.

“You sure look ready for a day on the town,” Akira joked.

Ryuji snorted at Akira’s attempts to cheer him up, putting down his DS. “Hey you,” he greeted in a rasping voice.

Akira nudged the door shut and walked over to his boyfriend. He draped his bag over the back of the couch and collapsed on the other end, letting out an overly dramatic sigh.

“Well I can see that you weren’t kidding about the dying thing,” Akira pointed out. “What’d you come down with anyway?”

“Just a cold I think,” Ryuji said, attempting to clear his throat but hacking out a cough instead. “It should be gone in a day or two but _man_ I feel like I got hit by a car or some shit.”

Akira nodded. “You don’t look too far off from it... hey don’t hesitate to take off more than a day if you need to, alright?” 

Ryuji rolled his eyes but nodded anyways. “Alright mother,” he said, barely avoiding getting stuck in another coughing fit. 

“Hey speaking of mothers anyway, as long as I’m thinking about it do you guys have any stuff for miso soup here?” Akira asked.

“Uh, maybe?” Ryuji blinked, caught off guard. “My mom got groceries yesterday, so probably.”

Akira groaned as he leaned back and jumped to his feet. “Cool, I’m gonna make you some soup.”

“Hey, ya don’t actually have to!” Ryuji objected, trying his best to stifle a cough and sit up straighter in his blanket nest at the same time. “I thought you were kiddin’ earlier.” 

“I never kid when it comes to bomb-ass soup,” Akira pointed out.

Ryuji snorted. “Y’know you totally sound like one of those chefs on a reality cooking show when ya say stuff like that.”

Akira’s laughter chimed from Ryuji’s kitchen, the sound of cupboards and drawers being opened as he searched for supplies to make his famous (or at least self-proclaimed famous) Leblanc specialty miso soup.

\---

As Akira rummaged around noisily in the kitchen, Ryuji couldn’t help but let his mind wander a bit, as it usually did in calmer moments. 

On one hand, it wasn’t Akira’s responsibility to look after him. He knew this, but he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty that his boyfriend was going to so much trouble just for his sake... on the other hand though, he was thankful. It was times like these that he probably shouldn’t be alone with his thoughts. Or, to put it more accurately, he didn’t _want_ to be alone with his thoughts, ever. Sometimes he didn’t even want to be alone in general.

Did that make him a selfish person? He easily could have just refused Akira’s request to come over and that would’ve been that… but there was a small part of him that didn’t want to. He wanted to spend just a little extra time alone with the person who meant the most to him, despite how much time they spent together in public or around the others. 

God, he really _was_ selfish, wasn’t he? Making Akira dote over him like this… pathetic. 

It didn’t really help that Akira happened to not only befriend but _date_ the only other problem child at Shujin. Well, maybe not the ONLY other problem child, but he was definitely the most well known out of their little group. Ryuji didn’t normally care what others thought of him, but he couldn’t help but feel a bit worried for Akira’s sake, especially now. He already had such a dubious reputation, he was only making problems for himself by being so strongly associated with Ryuji. What if something happened? What if someone tried something and Ryuji wasn’t there to do anything about it?

It was a scenario Ryuji didn’t even want to think about- that he _couldn’t_ think about for fear of doing something reckless. Not like that hadn’t stopped him in the past or anything...

Soon enough, Ryuji heard Akira’s voice call out “It’s ready!” from the kitchen, interrupting his intrusive thoughts. He shook it off. He shouldn’t be thinking about that kind of stuff while Akira was around, no matter how difficult it was not to.

Dishing up two servings into a bowl and padding out into the living room, Akira handed Ryuji his share and made himself comfortable at the foot of the sofa. He looked up, meeting Ryuji’s gaze.

“Jeez don’t get too excited,” He joked, noticing the grim expression that Ryuji tried to hide just seconds before. In a more serious tone he added, “Are you alright? If you aren’t the biggest fan of miso you could’ve just told me-”

“NAH, nah-- I’m fine, it’s nothin’,” Ryuji covered up his embarrassment with a rasping cough. Best to distract himself for now he thought, taking a generous slurp of the soup. And damn, he really _wasn’t_ kidding about it being some seriously bomb-ass soup. Ryuji took another generous sip as the steam helped clear up his airways just the tiniest bit, leaving him feeling satisfied.

Akira seemed to have the same idea of a distraction since his gaze was pulled over to the rack of movies and DVDs next to Ryuji’s TV. He crawled over to browse the sparse collection.

“Maybe if we put on a shitty rom com we’ll just forcibly eject the sickness out of you,” Akira suggested, looking at Ryuji for his approval.

Ryuji gave a weak snort. “Honestly I don’t even think I got any shitty rom coms. Besides, ain’t all the _really_ shitty ones usually in English?”

Akira silently held up a finger, got up to climb over the couch and pulled out the bag he’d brought. He rummaged around for a couple seconds before emerging with four or five DVDs in hand, all of them English rom coms.

“I shit you not these were the first things I packed when I came here.”

“Oh my god.”

Flopping back down on the floor, Akira laid out all the DVDs on the ground and let Ryuji get a decent look at them. “Alright, shitty rom com time. Do you wanna start with Hitch first or The Proposal?”

“What?” Ryuji blanched at the suggestion. “Nooope, no, no no no I’ve got standards.” 

Akira just shrugged. 

“What else you got in there?” Ryuji asked, leaning over to get a better look.

“Take your pick.” Akira said.

“Ok, well if we’re gonna watch any of these I wanna start with Pretty Woman cause at least that one’s got some class.”

This time Akira snorted out a laugh. “Barely.”

“Hey I said SOME,” Ryuji retorted. “You don’t diss Pretty Woman ok, it’s my mom’s favorite.”

“You sure it’s not your favorite too?”

“… Shuddup.”

Akira inserted the DVD and they settled back in to watch as they ate Akira’s soup. Ryuji could feel Akira’s weight solidly against his leg that was draped over the edge of the couch, and for a moment it was quiet. No homework to do, no battles to be fought, just them and a whole afternoon worth of mediocre rom coms. It was so much more… domestic than he was used to.

It was nice.

But soon the sounds of the movie started to fade into the background, his mind began to drift to darker places once again. God, he could never catch a break could he?

Despite the calm feeling surrounding the room, Ryuji couldn’t help but wonder if this was the right thing to do, if this was even going to work between them. He knew that he was only holding Akira back, both inside and outside of the metaverse but he couldn’t… stop. 

He _knew_ that he was a bad influence, he _knew_ that nothing he did would ever make the impact that he wanted, but he couldn’t help himself. 

He was selfish. 

He wanted to believe that maybe if he just ignored the facts he could actually pretend that he deserved someone like Akira... that he deserved friends like the ones he had and the privilege of being able to call himself a true Phantom Thief when he could barely pull off a simple stealth mission.

Setting the rest of his soup aside on the small table next to the couch, Ryuji sighed and curled further into himself. Akira noticed almost immediately and tilted his head back to rest on Ryuji’s bad knee.

“What’s the matter? You’ve been zoning out for the past 10 minutes or so.”

Ryuji winced. “You noticed that?” He asked hesitantly.

Akira huffed out a chuckle. “You tap your foot when you’re nervous. It drives Makoto crazy during missions y’know, I’m surprised she’s never brought it up to you.”

“I’m surprised _you’ve_ never brought it up to me!” Ryuji exclaimed, having to stifle another coughing fit from raising his voice. He kept Akira’s gaze for a moment longer before sinking gloomily back into the couch cushions. 

“Anyway, it’s… nothin’. Nothin’ to be concerned about, anyway,” Ryuji said hoarsely.

“Mmm that’s definitely a lie,” Akira replied immediately.

“How the hell would you-” Ryuji broke into another coughing fit. “- Know?” he eventually finished after taking a sip of water to clear his throat.

Akira adjusted his head so that his chin was propped up on Ryuji’s knee. “You only furrow your eyebrows like that when you’re hiding something important,” he pointed out before handing Ryuji a box of tissues from the floor. “You can talk to me, I hope you know that.”

“I- I do! I mean… I know I can, but. I dunno,” Ryuji admitted, avoiding Akira’s eyes. His judgement.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He heard Akira ask softly.

Ryuji made an ‘I don’t know’ sound under his breath before blowing his nose.

He felt the couch dip beside him as Akira climbed up next to him, keeping a bit of a distance but still sitting close enough to see his expression. Akira folded his legs underneath him, pausing the movie.

“Let me rephrase,” he began. “I want to talk about it, but if you don’t then I won’t make you. Can I at least ask what’s wrong? Is there anything I can do about it?”

“N-no, it’s… it has nothin’ to do with you,” Ryuji stuttered. “Not really, I mean. You didn’t do anythin’ wrong. This is my problem.”

“So you won’t tell me what’s wrong then?”

Ryuji sighed. He knew he was being difficult, but he also knew that Akira wouldn’t let up until Ryuji at least told him what was on his mind. They were both stubborn like that, which was frustrating at times... yet he was also thankful for that.

He decided he might as well just come out and say it.

“Why are you datin’ me?”

That seemed to throw Akira for a loop, making him stop for a second. Ryuji suddenly regretted being so honest and was about to backtrack, but Akira interrupted him before he could.

“Why would you ask something like that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Ryuji countered. “I _suck._ ”

“No, you don’t,” Akira looked more serious now, which was rare. “You don’t suck.”

“Yeah, I do. You know, you hear what people say.” 

“That doesn’t mean it’s _true,_ ” Akira insisted. “People say I killed a guy but that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Ryuji shook his head, “Only a couple people actually believed that rumor. I mean, that one’s too dumb to be believable anyway, but like… I know I suck because _everyone else_ knows. The track team knows, the teachers know, everyone in my damn class knows.” He buried his face in his arms, mumbling.

“I just… I want you to know too before you get hurt or somethin’.”

Akira sat there, like he was waiting. After an extended period of silence Ryuji slowly lifted his head and looked cautiously at his boyfriend. 

His expression was unreadable.

“Okay,” Akira eventually breathed. “Alright, well… if it’s so hard for you to understand then I’ll make a list of all the reasons why you don’t suck.”

“Dude no, you don’t have to-”

“Nope, too late,” Akira interrupted. “I totally have to now.” 

Akira moved into Ryuji’s lap on top of layers of flannel blankets, settling his legs on top of Ryuji’s. He was extremely close now.

“Y’know if you get too close to me you’re gonna get sick too,” Ryuji remarked, trying to find an excuse for Akira to just believe him and drop the subject, but Akira was unperturbed.

“Ryuji I could literally not give less of a shit about your nasty cold germs right now,” he stated in a stern tone of voice. “This is as important for me to say as it’s important for you to hear, alright? Just listen for now and stop worrying about me for a few minutes.”

To Akira’s surprise, Ryuji stopped. Eventually he gave a small nod, settling further into the blankets.

Akira inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, seemingly satisfied with that answer. “Okay, good. This is good,” he decided, adjusting himself a bit more before continuing. “Honestly I should’ve done this a long time ago because I know that you doubt yourself sometimes. You doubt us, together, and worry about if we’ll make it or not.” Akira paused. 

“That being said, you doubt yourself more than anything else because for some _godforsaken_ reason people have beaten you down long enough for you to start believing them, to start believing that the awful shit they constantly say to you is true.” 

Ryuji opened his mouth to interject, but Akira kept going.

“I want you to know that the things you’re feeling and the thoughts you’re having aren’t right, they aren’t true. You aren’t garbage, you sure as hell aren’t worthless, and you’re a valuable member not just to our team, but to _me._ ”

Ryuji stared hard, swallowing roughly and feeling sandpaper in his throat but not saying anything. How could he? He didn’t even know how to react to any of this right now... 

Akira took this as a sign to continue.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this before, but the Phantom Thieves wouldn’t even _be_ here if it weren’t for you. _You’re_ the reason that we came together to change things for the better, _you’re_ at the center of that.”

“But we ain’t changin’ the world for me-” Ryuji croaked out.

“ _I am!_ ” Akira said with as much feeling as he could convey in just those two small words.

Ryuji stopped mid-sentence and was completely dumbstruck. What… what the hell was Akira even talking about? Was that true? Did he really think that Ryuji was worth that much?

Akira stared at him a few moments longer before leaning forward and pressing his face into Ryuji’s shoulder, laying against him so that Ryuji could feel his warmth and his weight, know that he’s there telling him what he really, truly felt.

“I’m changing it for everyone... but I’m especially changing it for you because you don’t deserve this. You deserve happiness, you deserve credit and you deserve more love than I or any single person could ever ever give you.”

He couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe anything he was hearing. Ryuji took a shuddering breath and slowly trailed a hand up Akira’s back, holding him there. He didn’t want Akira to see his face right now, yet Akira just pressed ever closer.

“That’s not true,” Ryuji said, barely audible over the white noise of the TV static and Akira’s steady breathing against him.

“It _is_ true and I’ll tell you that it’s true as many times as it takes until you finally believe me, and then I’ll keep telling you.” Akira said, sounding more determined this time.

At this point Ryuji was trying so hard to hold back tears, but it was becoming more and more difficult. It became practically impossible once Akira sat back up and moved to knock his forehead gently against Ryuji’s, maintaining eye contact with him.

“You’re worth something,” Akira whispered. “You’re brave and strong and stubborn and you’ve got a bigger heart than anyone else I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. But most of all, more than _anything_ else in the world, you’re loved. By me, by our friends, and by anyone who the Phantom Thieves have ever saved.” 

Akira gave him a tiny smile. 

“You’re a hero. I want you to know that.” 

Ryuji’s tears finally spilled over but he made no sound, only a shaky inhale as he did his best not to openly sob in front of the one person he never wanted to see him like this. Akira softly shushed him, brushing forward and letting Ryuji bury his face in Akira’s neck, pressing barely-there kisses into his hair as he curled his arms around Ryuji and just let him cry the whole thing out.

Akira murmured things muffled into his hair as Ryuji felt his own tears soak through Akira’s shirt. He choked back a sob and held Akira back, curling his arms around his boyfriend’s torso and let years of pent up frustration and self-loathing out of his system.

“I love you,” Akira finally spoke.

“Shuddup,” Ryuji said weakly.

“I love youuuuuuu,” Akira said again, a bit louder and more persistently.

Ryuji couldn’t help but laugh and eventually lifted his head to meet his boyfriend’s gaze. His eyes were red and his face is tear-stained, but Akira laughed along with him and brushed his thumbs along his cheeks to wipe away the remnant of those tears.

“I love you too,” Ryuji choked out.

Through the tears obscuring his vision, Ryuji could see Akira barely lean forward once again and press his lips against Ryuji’s gently, a tender gesture that quickly became more heartfelt and genuine as Ryuji clung desperately to Akira’s worn old sweatshirt and deepened the kiss between them. He didn’t want this to end. He didn’t want _them_ to end, despite what his fears made him think.

Eventually the pair drew apart, Ryuji letting go of Akira’s bottom lip and letting out a sigh that he didn’t even know he’d been holding in.

“Feel any better?” Akira asked.

“Emotionally? Yeah,” Ryuji admitted. “But physically? God _hell_ fuckin’ no, I’m twice as stuffed up now.”

Akira cracked up again and pressed a few more kisses along Ryuji’s flushed face, getting rid of the remainder of any somber feelings in the room. 

“I’m so glad I found you, you know that?” Akira blurted out suddenly. “I’m so goddamn glad that you’re the first person who talked to me here.”

Ryuji coughed out a laugh, feeling slightly bashful. “I should be tellin’ you that, honestly.” He said, clearing his throat loudly and sitting up as straight as he could manage. “So, are we gonna get back to our movie marathon or what?”

“Oh yeah, whoops, I forgot to unpause.” Akira grabbed the remote and started the movie where they’d left off. Ryuji curled his arms around his leader and pulled him closer, tangling their legs together underneath layers upon layers of old blankets. He could feel Akira lean back and sigh, settling his weight comfortably against Ryuji as he held onto a tissue box. 

Ryuji knew that they weren’t out of the woods yet as far as his issues were concerned, yet he felt like they’d made progress today. A fraction of that shitty feeling had been lifted from his shoulders… well, shitty emotional feelings anyway. He didn’t feel any less sick. But maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have to worry so much anymore with Akira by his side. 

He couldn’t help but smile as he pressed a single kiss against the crown of Akira’s head.

**Author's Note:**

> they're sad n' gay harold....... also akira u dumbass ur gonna get so fuckin sick after this
> 
> find me on my other social media:
> 
> \- twitter: [@croninians](https://twitter.com/croninians)  
> \- tumblr: [@croninians](http://croninians.tumblr.com/)


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